Shelli Emerson Foth

Head knowledge ≠ Relationship.


A realization i came to recently. Seems pretty obvious right? 


Mmm, not for good church kids who knew all the answers. That was me. I smile as i think about it. i won a beanie baby for bringing the most offering, or something like that (it probably totaled not more than a dollar). I won a trip to see the Prince of Egypt for reading Exodus 1-15. Im laughing out loud now.


Whats not as funny, is that then and throughout most of my life my relationship (or lack thereof) with Christ has been largely based on what i knew.  How much i knew about predestination vs free will, what i thought about women in ministry and the like. Not that those things arent important, but that those things are less important than many 'good christians' like me realize. 


A study in Psalms is what brought about this realization. Im really enjoying it. I always read psalms when i dont know what else to read, or when im too lazy to read anything meaty. They're easy reading and just nice happy short chapters. You know, the kind that you dont really have to invest in. I think what this study has brought to light, is the fact that the psalms arent what i thought they were. 


The psalms are an outpouring of emotion, simply put. I think that the psalms were, when written, emotional vomit on the paper. How incredible! What i love, is that the writer doesnt hold anything back, using phrases like "Woe is me!" and then one psalm later singing praises to the Glory of God and thanking him. This most definitely makes James 3:10 hit home. So how come these seemingly conflicting things ended up in the pages of scripture? Shoot, i dunno. 


Maybe God values relationship, and maybe just like in earthly relationships a relationship with Christ is built upon honesty and communication. Maybe honesty and communication include telling God straight up when you're mad at him. Telling God straight up that you dont think he's doing the right thing. Being brutally honest, ive told God before that if He really knew what i was going through, it wouldnt have been that way. Ive questioned just about every attribute of God that i know to be true when im at my darkest. Wrong of me? Maybe, but he knew my thoughts even if i didnt verbalize them to him. I might as well verbalize what he already knows, even if its just for my own sake. Sometime hearing myself say things is cathartic, just like talking to your best friend about your problems makes you feel better, or even telling someone how they hurt you opens the door for healing. 


I guess the moral of the story is that when im at my darkest, my head knowledge - the stuff i 'know' about God - does nothing to help me. In fact, i question what i know to be true at those times. what helps me at my darkest, is a relationship with my creator. Can one even fathom how crazy that is? a relationship with our creator and not one where he just puts up with us, one where he cares about us and our little feelings... wow. 


I've started writing psalms. I never thought i was any good at writing poetry or songs, but for some reason, psalm writing comes easy to me, and i think its because its an upwelling of raw emotion. Raw emotion doesnt need to rhyme, it doesnt even really need to make sense to anyone but me and God. And so i build a better relationship with God one psalm at at time. I tell him what im feeling even when i think i shouldnt be feeling that way. I've also stopped reading inspirational Christian books and thinking about theological matters for the time being. Theology is nothing in comparison to relationship. where theology keeps me on the straight and narrow, relationship carries me. I need to spend significantly more of my time building my relationship with Christ.