Looking ahead at the summer my feelings are mixed. As of a few days ago i was confident and sure that the summer was going to be grand. That i would move up to Washington and live and work a simplistic existence for 3 1/2 months and everything would be sunny and rosy... and maybe it will be, but doubt has crept in.
When Brian left Wednesday night, summer hit me hard. A combination of certain functions of the female body and the emotion of knowing that i will hardly talk to or see my boyfriend for 4 months, as well as the exhaustion of the week left me pretty distraught that Wednesday night. Questions came up from deep within, questions that i had buried with a relentless optimism that could be looked at as childish. Questions like, what if it sucks up there? What if i hate it? What if living with a family besides my own sucks? What if i never talk to my Boyfriend? What if he forgets about me? What if? What if? What if? Summer had snuck up on me... Brian and i had been talking about summer and what it would look like for us as if it were a thing of the distant future, and then all of a sudden, summer was here. It came like the clang of a bell, or a slap in the face.
I have a couple weeks of time between Brian leaving, and me moving to Washington. I have a feeling that these next couple weeks will be the hardest. I tell Brian the same thing every time he goes away: that i miss him more because my life when he is gone is the same as it ever was, minus him. That is not a fun equation.
I dont know what these weeks will hold for me. They have already been interesting, with the renewal of a friendship that a year ago was broken. Situations like that, that have left me asking God "Why right now? Why right before i leave?"
This summer, i feel, will be a summer full of questions. Questions about God, about myself, about my relationships, about my future. I think that God sort of wants me to himself this summer. He is removing me from all that i know, my family, my boyfriend, my comfortable jobs, my friends, and placing me five hours away in a little town at the tip of the Washington peninsula.
But at the same time, its so clear to me that he wants me there. If nothing else, i have clarity in the fact that Port Angeles is where he wants me. I KNOW that, and as long as i know that im just where he wants me, i can do it, even if it sucks, even if its hard, even if i get lonely. I think God wants to get me out of the noise of Portland and of my life here, to a place where i can hear him. Where i will have nothing better to do than to spend time with him.
My heart is longing for the adventure of this summer. The newness of everything will be exciting. My hope is that i can come back in the fall and know myself better, know what i want and what to pour myself into. I want to come alive in Christ this summer. Like a woman who has recently been married, who sees the world through the lenses of being so wholly and entirely in love and is loved in the same manner. I want to glow like a newly wed, because my savior is my everything, and i love him, and he loves me.
All of my "what if?" questions are now becoming: "What if God was in control?" "What if i trusted him?" "What if he has something for me this summer that i dont know about?" These are the what if questions that make all of the other ones disappear. A lot of times, everything i struggle with, just goes back to God asking me "Do you trust me, Shelli?"
So, Jesus, i trust you. I know that you have something for me this summer, and i know that you have me right where you want me. I thank you that you know what i need, even when i dont.
Amen
Shelli
When Brian left Wednesday night, summer hit me hard. A combination of certain functions of the female body and the emotion of knowing that i will hardly talk to or see my boyfriend for 4 months, as well as the exhaustion of the week left me pretty distraught that Wednesday night. Questions came up from deep within, questions that i had buried with a relentless optimism that could be looked at as childish. Questions like, what if it sucks up there? What if i hate it? What if living with a family besides my own sucks? What if i never talk to my Boyfriend? What if he forgets about me? What if? What if? What if? Summer had snuck up on me... Brian and i had been talking about summer and what it would look like for us as if it were a thing of the distant future, and then all of a sudden, summer was here. It came like the clang of a bell, or a slap in the face.
I have a couple weeks of time between Brian leaving, and me moving to Washington. I have a feeling that these next couple weeks will be the hardest. I tell Brian the same thing every time he goes away: that i miss him more because my life when he is gone is the same as it ever was, minus him. That is not a fun equation.
I dont know what these weeks will hold for me. They have already been interesting, with the renewal of a friendship that a year ago was broken. Situations like that, that have left me asking God "Why right now? Why right before i leave?"
This summer, i feel, will be a summer full of questions. Questions about God, about myself, about my relationships, about my future. I think that God sort of wants me to himself this summer. He is removing me from all that i know, my family, my boyfriend, my comfortable jobs, my friends, and placing me five hours away in a little town at the tip of the Washington peninsula.
But at the same time, its so clear to me that he wants me there. If nothing else, i have clarity in the fact that Port Angeles is where he wants me. I KNOW that, and as long as i know that im just where he wants me, i can do it, even if it sucks, even if its hard, even if i get lonely. I think God wants to get me out of the noise of Portland and of my life here, to a place where i can hear him. Where i will have nothing better to do than to spend time with him.
My heart is longing for the adventure of this summer. The newness of everything will be exciting. My hope is that i can come back in the fall and know myself better, know what i want and what to pour myself into. I want to come alive in Christ this summer. Like a woman who has recently been married, who sees the world through the lenses of being so wholly and entirely in love and is loved in the same manner. I want to glow like a newly wed, because my savior is my everything, and i love him, and he loves me.
All of my "what if?" questions are now becoming: "What if God was in control?" "What if i trusted him?" "What if he has something for me this summer that i dont know about?" These are the what if questions that make all of the other ones disappear. A lot of times, everything i struggle with, just goes back to God asking me "Do you trust me, Shelli?"
So, Jesus, i trust you. I know that you have something for me this summer, and i know that you have me right where you want me. I thank you that you know what i need, even when i dont.
Amen
Shelli
One Response to
"I want to glow like a newly wed, because my savior is my everything"--love it.
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