Traci and i will both admit, she's somewhat of a difficult model. Not because she isnt beautiful, because she is. Gorgeous, acutally. She just feels really awkward in front of a camera.

We've had many conversations as to why this is, and I dont have much room to talk on this one, because im awkward in front of a camera too, but im the photographer so it works out really well for me.

Anyway, she says she feels like there is someone else there when my camera is around. Like someone she doesnt know very well is hearing her talk about some of her deepest feelings and emotions an observations. An interesting concept, i understand where she is coming from.

Because of this she is always very stiff in front of the camera. She is never completely comfortable and herself when its around. No matter how good the lighting is or how amazing the spot is, i can never quite get my her to be comfortable enough to get a non-posed shot. Its been a little frusterating, but really good for me - if i want to be a photographer im going to have to learn how to draw out subjects from the awkwardness of being the center of attention - so i'll learn what i can from this.

I've been so lucky in the past, that eventually my models relax and enjoy being in front of the camera, but not Traci... She's different. I think i like it about her though, capturing a real smile from her is an acomplishment and she's a challenge. She's helping me learn a lot about photography. Its really good for me, and i like the challenge :)

She told me the other day, that she thought she might do better if i had some sort of goal for her to accomplish. Like, "I want the outcome of this photoshoot to look like this..." kind of thing. Something that i am trying to get across with the pictures.

I thought about if for awhile. It was a really pretty day and that always makes me want to take pictures, and Traci came home and i was like "Sweet!"

I told her i wanted to explore her idea of beauty. I asked her to think about what makes her feel beautiful and thats what i wanted to shoot.

She surprised me with her answers...

Photograph 1-3

Traci feels beautiful when she's streching. She says its something to do with the fact that she was in gymnastics for years and she likes the feeling.

Photograph 4

Traci like the feeling of her hair when its half dry. She doesnt think it looks very good, but she really likes the way it feels when she runs her fingers through it. It makes her feel beautiful.

Photograph 5

Traci feels beautiful when she's wearing those shoes. She didnt give a reason why, but i suppose there's just something about wearing heels that makes a girl feel grown up and beautiful. She says they hurt though. She also likes wearing a slip by itself. I think she said because she likes how it feels on her skin.

Shelli

Im not sure how or why these pictures came about. It was a girlish whim i suppose.

I do belive though, that every picture taken has some sort of hidden meaning, if that makes sense.

I didnt take these pictures for any concious personal reason, i just took them. I didnt take them to make a statement or a point. I took them for me, and im not really sure why. I just felt like it. I guess they are a representation of how i felt at the time. Dont read into them, dont draw your own conclusions, and please, dont laugh... they are what they are, and im not even sure what they mean.

Maybe, they're coming from a feeling of a complete lack of beauty in my life. This feeling mostly come from the fact that i spend half my time in starbucks dress code, and the other half of my time too tired to put any effort into my appearence. It used to be that i would put together outfits to wear on my outings into portland, and dressing up all cute to go see Brian. Lately, you're lucky if you catch me in something besides jeans and a tee-shirt, and i ONLY put on make-up when i see Brian.

Not that its bad, i love wearing jeans and t-shirts... but, i want to feel pretty. I want to feel feminine, and i havent, in a long time. Its too much work, it takes too much time, its not practical for the cold, its not blah blah blah... i have all these excuses... i dont really know why.

Anyway, this photoshoot happened the other day... I wanted to use Jami, but she was sick. So i was like "fine, i'll use myself!" I dont really make a habit of doing self portraits... i think its kind of ridiculous to do a billion of them, but at the same time they're sort of an emotional release too, maybe its a pride thing, or maybe im just afraid that if i take pictures of myself, people will see my heart open in the picture. Maybe its a combination of both...

I went upstairs and put on the black dress. I never really have any occasion to wear it. I think i've worn it once, to the symphony. I never go anywhere nice enough to warrent a gorgeous black dress. The lipstick was an afterthought. It was in my makeup basket, i was just like "eh, why not."

I was wearing slippers, it was a bad idea. It was all muddy so i ended up taking them off. So there i was, in the middle of february barefoot and sweaterless, in the middle of a field of dead grass and weeds, in a black dress and red lipstick taking pictures of myself. Thats a funny thought. Maybe thats why i dont do self portraits... i just look stupid doing them...

It was great though, i really enjoyed it. I felt pretty i guess. That was nice.

Im still not sure what they mean, but meaning or not, they were an emotional outlet.

So there you have it, one of my first attempts to use photography as a personal outlet rather than trying take the most amazing picture in the world.

enjoy?

Shelli

I used to wear a star necklace. Pretty much all of the time. It was a simple white star made out of some sort of shell material on a plain black string. Nothing fancy but i thought it was cute.

I bought it in Mexico. My cousins took me with them on thier vacation to Mexico to nanny thier 18month son. It was awesome. We were walking a long a strip in Playa Del Carmen, a town a little ways out of Cancun, and i saw a variety of necklaces made out of some kind of shell material on a simple black string hanging in the door of a shop. For some reason they caught my eye, the star especially, but we kept walking and i didnt want to stop. I kept looking for another shop that carried them, but this little shop was the only one. Luckily we had to walk back by it to get to the car.

I did end up buying it. I probably payed too much for it, but by that time i was too tired to try and bargain for a better price from the wrinkled mexican lady who was running the shop... whatever.

When i bought it, it didnt mean anything special. I didnt buy the necklace because stars had some sort of specific meaning to me. I just bought it cause it was cute, and i wanted a necklace from Mexico.

What was interesting, though, is that as i wore it, it kind of became something special. I hardly ever took it off. If i did, people would notice, my family and friends would comment on the fact that i wasn't wearing it. It was interesting. I tried a few times to make up a really good story as to what it meant, but nothing seemed quite right. It just was what it was, a simple star necklace that looked really cute with dresses and jeans alike. That, i think was my favorite part about it. I could wear it with anything!

Two years i wore that necklace, i think... It went through about 3 strings, but i still kept wearing it.

This spring/beginning of summer me, and 4 cousins my great aunt and my grandma went to Hawaii. It was a great trip. All 5 of us cousins got along really great and we truly just had a good time with each other.

While we were there, My cousin Hannah and i were walking in the lobby of our hotel (which was amazing, the lobby was all open air and the hotel was just beautiful!) and there was a Hawaiian lady selling trinkets on a table there. My grandma told us we should go look when we were down there, so we did. Amidst the carved turtles, and bracelets that say "Aloha!" there was a bunch of random necklaces made out of whale bone on a plain black strings. They instantly caught my eye, but i didnt really like any of them because honestly, who wants a carved turtle around their neck? Sort of at the bottom of the pile, though, there was the most beautiful little seahorse pendant. It was intricatly carved and even had a small shell for an eye on it. I was told that these were all walebone necklaces that were hand carved by the vendor's husband. It was goregeous, i had to have it.

Unfortunatly, Hannah picked it up first. Her friend Alyssa LOVES seahorses. She was going to get it for her. I was a little bummed, and i asked the lady if she had another one. She fished through a bunch of baskets but didnt have any luck. She kept looking though, and luckily found another one. feuf.

I bought it, and took it back up to my hotel room. Then i took off my star. There was almost pang of remorse as i slid the star off of my neck, but the seahorse was SO cute, and besides, the star didnt MEAN anything too me, just like the seahorse didnt, psh! It wasnt really true though, the star did mean something to me, i'd worn it for so long that it just did.

I put the star in my makeup bag and tied the new necklace around my neck. It was really pretty. I sort of missed it for awhile though.

I ended up giving the star to my boyfriend, he kept it on his keychain and i think because of that, the tips chipped off and it broke. I was sort of sad, but at the same time, i wasnt.

I almost feel like that star symbolizes a time of my life that is over. I know its just a silly little thing, but i wore that star ALL THE TIME. Through a lot of highschool i wore that thing, through a lot of experiences and a lot of stuff, i was always wearing that star. It was bold, it was bright, it was sassy. Oh yeah!

When i bought the seahorse, a new chapter of my life was begining to unfold. I had literally, JUST graduated from highschool. Responsiblility and worry was weighing heavily on me for lots a reasons and spring and summer were a time of immence change, and a lot of pain and questions.

I remarked to my boyfriend at one point, that the seahorse is a much more delicate item than the star was. Its beautifully carved and made with care, where the star was just a simple pendant. I felt like it was the same with me. I felt like i was more delicate, i felt like i was less bold, and less sassy. I feel like some of the roughness in me has been worn off, some of the points of the star are gone. Its a good thing i think.

The seahorse i wear now symbolizes a different time in my life, i guess, and different ME really. Spring and summer and even fall, shaped me into something completely different, SOMEONE completely different.

Its interesting to look back and see the changes. Its exciting.

Shelli