Brokenness.

The word i would use if i were to choose a theme for this Christmas.

The last two days have made me acutely aware of the brokenness around me. People who are standing in the ashes of lives that they though were so sturdy. People who lost children, and family members in senseless shootings. Those who think they have it all together but need you so badly. Those who have been to war and came back a different person.

My heart is heavy this Christmas season. My lack of faith in humanity leads me straight to the throne of Christ in tears, and as he holds me he says to me, as he so often does when i mourn "I never intended for it to be this way. This was not my plan. Mourn, and feel the depths of suffering in this situation, and more than that mourn that this isn't how its supposed to be, mourn the garden, mourn the curse, but take heart because one day i will make it all new."

For some reason, its always reassuring. If i think i hate the situation, God hates it more. He never wanted it either.

Enter Jesus. Born in a barn, sent to save the world in a totally unorthodox manner. For "Long lay the world, in sin and error pining till he appeared and the soul felt its worth." for me its "A Thrill of hope, a weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." Never have those words been so poignant as this year.

I have a different perspective on christmas this year. Its a sense of relief. I stand and look at the brokenness around me and i am so relieved that Jesus was born, and have such a sense of thankfulness like never before. Im not just totally shit out of luck on this whole sin thing, and nether is anyone else. Im so relieved. Thank you so much, Jesus.

Out of the depths of sorrow comes a deep sense of joy that the savior was born. A juxtaposition that i will never understand, but am eternally grateful for.

O Holy Night
The Lights are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world
in sin and error pining
til you appeared
and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope,
a weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks
a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees

O hear the angel's voices

O night Divine

O night when Christ was born

Thats how i've felt for the least 2.5 months since i started school. Im not taking particularly intellectual classes. Im in photography classes, how is that intellectual? Its not really, but there is something about walking down the halls of learning (does that metaphor apply when you go to community college?) that makes you think more.

For the last year, its been work work work. My job is fine. I've had jobs I've hated more, thats for sure, and looking back it hasn't been bad. We have needed the last two years to get up on our feet and have a go at this whole adult thing. Now here we are. Living in a gorgeous little house, we both have really good jobs, and things are going well. You could say we've 'nested.' The thing about working all the time however, is that once you get good at your job, you dont think about it anymore. You dont have to think about it anymore, you stop learning and it just becomes a job. Its easy to just stop learning, to stop pushing yourself when you're not in an environment where you have to.

School is that environment. Especially in a field as competitive as photography. Now, its learn learn learn, grow, grow, grow. Muscles that havent been used in a long time are stretching and hurting and sore, but the good kind of sore. The kind of sore that whenever you feel the muscles hurting you think "Yeah, i totally climbed a 4 at the bouldering gym yesterday, im awesome."In the last 8 weeks of school ive seen my photography improve in leaps and bounds. Im finally in my element im finally where i want to be.

Now, its time to fly. Ive always been firm on the idea that just because i got married young doesn't mean my life is over. It feels as if the last two years have been all working towards this season. Brian finishing school, me getting a job where i work with people (what!?) and kicking ass at said job (WHAT!?) and gaining so much confidence in myself that headed in to this first term at school, i never once doubted whether or not i would make it back for winter term. Im not gonna lie, im totally that kid. Being at the top of the class is a pretty great feeling. My life isnt over. I can DO what i love and BE with the person i love. A huge shout out to Brian on this one. Without him i would never have gotten here. His support and firm belief that i should do what i love has been the wind at my back.

I had a moment the first week of school, where i thought "Okay, this is it. Its really time to go big or go home. You're here. Its time to dive it head first to this whole photography thing or get out now." What a strange thought for someone who has a super hard time going "All in" about anything (Thanks, Dad). So i did. All in for me means not just coasting. It means getting A's in school. I can pretty much do nothing and get a B, for me putting in the extra work to get an A is going all in. Its never skipping a class just for the hell of it. Its really putting my heart and soul into my projects. Its asking my instructors for more feedback because all i ever get is "Good Job." (Like i said, im totally that kid).

Its struggling with things and thinking through things its making connections with other photographers in my class its putting myself out there, its showing my art to other people, opening myself up to critique. Its stretching. Its wonderful.

So here's to photography, to thought, to friends with degrees in philosophy and rhetoric, to friends with quirky styles, to husbands who support no matter what, and to finally being where i want to be.

And above all, praise the Lord, for his immeasurable blessing in my life. I pray that as i navigate a beautiful secular world that my life will reflect his.