I cant sleep,

Here i was going to go to bed early tonight because im tired and grumpy but no, im not so lucky. I even took some Advil PM. But i still cant sleep. Sigh.

Life is so big. Really, it is. I hate that i have this ridiculous senioritis stuff... I have absolutly no modivation to do anything. Well, maybe not anything. But you get the idea. whoever you are. And then at the same time i have to decide what to do with the rest of my life.

Its cruel, it really is.

Here i am on the down side of the highschool hill only to look up at the Mountain of life, Of ... college.

Am i the only one who thinks this whole college application and scholarship thing is scary? Its so time consuming! I dont know how many times i've filled out different paperwork all with the same information on it. All this with the combination of senioritis as well as the fact that its spring and i dont want to be in school anyways, makes for a sleepless night i guess.

I'm restless. I really am. I think i need to get out of Oregon City. I think i've done my time. I've exhausted all the cool places to explore, im sure i've gotten every angle of every everything in the carnegie park area and im tired of it. I want something new and exciting. Something fresh.

I missed the scholarship deadline for Clackamas. It was on saturday. But, i really am not bummed. Im tired of that place, i dont want to be there anymore. Its like 13th grade now. And i get hit on... i dont like that. Now that im finally old enough to look like i belong there, i get hit on. Yuck. So, i guess if missing the scholarship deadline for CCC means im not going there next year than im happy i missed it. Cause i REALLY dont want to... I think maybe its time to move on from CCC. Maybe. Either that or im just telling myself that for fun. Its making me feel better, thats for sure.

I feel like i'm being drawn more towards Portland. I spend half my time there and the other half of the time im wishing i was there. Something about Portland just inspires me. It makes me feel artistic and free. It exhilerates me and makes my heart swell. I love the coffee culture. Finding random coffee shops on street corners and critiqing thier coffee, while people watching. I love it. exploring downtown and walking across the bridges. Finding those random coffeshops and taking pictures. Portland makes me feel alive. I love photography too. It's my passion. Something about putting myself into pictures is just amazing.

All this to say, in a round about way, that I really want to go to art school in porltand. I do. But the problem with that is that i am a poor kid who's parents cant help with college, and art school isnt exactly the cheapest school in the whole world. It's about 18,000 a year. mmhmm, thats right i said eighteen thousand dollars a year. 18,000 dollars that i dont have.

I feel like i should apply at the art school though. All these little streams of passions and loves, all seem to be pointing to the same thing.

I was taking to Jesus about this whole thing tonight... I was just talking... you know, babbling on and on about things. I was talking to him about how i feel that im just not good enough for it.

I mean sure, i take some pretty good pictures i guess. But are they really good enough to get me into art school? Am i really good enough to even have a chance? Are they really good enough to get me the scholarships i would need to pull this off?

I dunno.

But what harm will come from applying right? The worst that could happen is me not getting accepted... But that would be horrible! You see what i mean!? Its scary! What if im not good enough!!?

Earlier today, my boyfriend was telling me that he's going back and forth about plans for the summer. He said he felt like Jesus wanted him to go look at Proverbs 3:5... I didnt think much about it until I started talking to Jesus about all of this.

I was just telling Jesus that i was doubting everything and that i didnt know that to do, when he ever so gently dope slapped me with the very same Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."

hahahaha, funny, Jesus.

Jesus really does have a sense of humor cause i was like "Okay! i get it! Its coming in loud an clear! you've got my attention. I'll get off my lazy senior butt and do something!"

So there i have it then. Trust. Just trust. you know, like its just that simple. But, maybe it is.

I really feel pulled towards art school. I really do. As to my feelings of inadiquacy..... Trust. Cause God... He's a big God. If he wants me there. He'll get me there... all i have to do is Trust. If he doesnt want me there, Well, i'll still have to trust and grit my teeth and hold on tight.

Now, this of course is the musings of a very tired sleepless 17 year old romantic, right. You dont have to take me seriously. Dont worry, you can laugh it off, I wont be offended.

That Advil PM is starting to kick in finally...

Nigh night.