Shelli Emerson Foth

I carry my camera with me everywhere. From School to work, i always have it. I left it next to me on the table while i was at a coffee shop in Portland this last week, and i was approched by a man who asked if he could look at it. While this isnt all together uncommon amongst photographers i was a little wary untill the barista behind the counter mentioned that he was a photographer who comes in every day to make phone calls

I let the man look at my camera, he commented on its make and asked me a little bit about it.

Currently, im researching and writing a paper on modern photography and its transition from a more true-to-life documentary use, to a "photoshop fairytale."

This particular afternoon i had articles and books and notes spread out in front of me all of them concerning photography. I asked the man, (who by now had introduced himself as Zac Goodwin http://www.zoph.net/) if i could interview him. I figured it would be a good source for my paper.

The conversation that insued was about an hour and a half long, I sort of picked his brain about many different aspects of photogaphy and got his opinion on a lot of different topics. Talking to him was incredably interesting. I found out he had been a philosophy major in college and that added a whole new spin on things. I was able to talk to him about the philisophical aspects of photography not just technical stuff.

There was one thing that he said to me that really struck me.

We were in the midst of dicussing vernacular photography (if you want to know what that is, i can give you a "definition"). Its uses, its place in history, its place in museums and galleries and i asked him what he thought about Flickr. (http://www.flickr.com/) Flickr is a place for amature and professional photographers alike to post their pictures and essentially get peer reviewed on their work. This happens through comments, favorites and viewes on a particular photogrpahy. Your odds of getting all of those things are greatly inhanced by joining various groups dedicated to different subjects (like a group for cat pictures for instance).

What Mr. Goodwin said to me was this:

"Just because a picture is good on flickr, doesnt mean its a good picture."

I know, i know, not incredably profound, but acutally, to me it was.

I have a flickr, and is pretty much the only way i get my pictures out into the public. I'll surf around flickr and look at the pictures on explore (www.flickr.com/explore Its the best of the best on flickr.) and think, wow, my pictures suck. I see pictures and people who get tons and tons of comments and favorites and notes on a picture that, while its cute, its not amazing. You see, thats what Flickr is all about, its about getting those comments and favorites. Not about taking meaningful pictures. Flickr is a pop culture site for pop culture pictures. Dyptics and triptics of teddy bears and flowers. Over-photoshopped landscapes and cityscapes. This is flickr photography.

Art photography, i think is something entirely different. Art photography, is either aesthetic, just in the photograph itself. Or, it is photography that makes a statement. Something that says HEY, THIS NEEDS TO BE TAKEN NOTE OF. Obviously, the definition around art photography is as vague as the defintion of photography itself. Im not saying this defintion is a comprehensive one in the least, but what im saying is that Art photography, is not the same as whats being seen on flickr.

Its almost like wikipedia, Where wikipedia, is a great resource to hear the current discussions on a certain topic, you wouldnt use it in academic writing. Maybe you would use it as a reference list, but not as a credable source.


Flickr is similar. Flickr is the modern vernacular of photography. The current discussion on the topic, but in no way is it to represent fine art photography, or photography as an artistic medium. If the photography found on flickr, its the future of the medium, well, i quit.

(can you see the influence of research paper writing in this? i feel like im writing a paper in the first person, arguing my point)


ANYWAY,


the moral of my story is, i was pretty well dumfounded by this statement by Mr. Goodwin.


I get incredably discouraged about my photography because on flickr, i dont get comments, i dont get favorites and i dont get views. I dont take pictures that are good on flickr, and y'know what?


THATS OKAY.


Flickr is not the all powerful critic on photography. The flickr voice, is the voice of pop culture. The flickr voice, in all reality, doesnt know what its talking about.


So i cant judge how good i am at photography based on my profile views. Its not an accurate measure. Its just not.


That little statement, and this research paper im writing, have changed the way i take pictures. I've started taking more meaningful pictures. Ive started using my photography as artistic expression of the self, rather than just trying to get a picture explored on flickr. Its been good for me.

Its made me think. I like that.


Shelli

I cant sleep,

Here i was going to go to bed early tonight because im tired and grumpy but no, im not so lucky. I even took some Advil PM. But i still cant sleep. Sigh.

Life is so big. Really, it is. I hate that i have this ridiculous senioritis stuff... I have absolutly no modivation to do anything. Well, maybe not anything. But you get the idea. whoever you are. And then at the same time i have to decide what to do with the rest of my life.

Its cruel, it really is.

Here i am on the down side of the highschool hill only to look up at the Mountain of life, Of ... college.

Am i the only one who thinks this whole college application and scholarship thing is scary? Its so time consuming! I dont know how many times i've filled out different paperwork all with the same information on it. All this with the combination of senioritis as well as the fact that its spring and i dont want to be in school anyways, makes for a sleepless night i guess.

I'm restless. I really am. I think i need to get out of Oregon City. I think i've done my time. I've exhausted all the cool places to explore, im sure i've gotten every angle of every everything in the carnegie park area and im tired of it. I want something new and exciting. Something fresh.

I missed the scholarship deadline for Clackamas. It was on saturday. But, i really am not bummed. Im tired of that place, i dont want to be there anymore. Its like 13th grade now. And i get hit on... i dont like that. Now that im finally old enough to look like i belong there, i get hit on. Yuck. So, i guess if missing the scholarship deadline for CCC means im not going there next year than im happy i missed it. Cause i REALLY dont want to... I think maybe its time to move on from CCC. Maybe. Either that or im just telling myself that for fun. Its making me feel better, thats for sure.

I feel like i'm being drawn more towards Portland. I spend half my time there and the other half of the time im wishing i was there. Something about Portland just inspires me. It makes me feel artistic and free. It exhilerates me and makes my heart swell. I love the coffee culture. Finding random coffee shops on street corners and critiqing thier coffee, while people watching. I love it. exploring downtown and walking across the bridges. Finding those random coffeshops and taking pictures. Portland makes me feel alive. I love photography too. It's my passion. Something about putting myself into pictures is just amazing.

All this to say, in a round about way, that I really want to go to art school in porltand. I do. But the problem with that is that i am a poor kid who's parents cant help with college, and art school isnt exactly the cheapest school in the whole world. It's about 18,000 a year. mmhmm, thats right i said eighteen thousand dollars a year. 18,000 dollars that i dont have.

I feel like i should apply at the art school though. All these little streams of passions and loves, all seem to be pointing to the same thing.

I was taking to Jesus about this whole thing tonight... I was just talking... you know, babbling on and on about things. I was talking to him about how i feel that im just not good enough for it.

I mean sure, i take some pretty good pictures i guess. But are they really good enough to get me into art school? Am i really good enough to even have a chance? Are they really good enough to get me the scholarships i would need to pull this off?

I dunno.

But what harm will come from applying right? The worst that could happen is me not getting accepted... But that would be horrible! You see what i mean!? Its scary! What if im not good enough!!?

Earlier today, my boyfriend was telling me that he's going back and forth about plans for the summer. He said he felt like Jesus wanted him to go look at Proverbs 3:5... I didnt think much about it until I started talking to Jesus about all of this.

I was just telling Jesus that i was doubting everything and that i didnt know that to do, when he ever so gently dope slapped me with the very same Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."

hahahaha, funny, Jesus.

Jesus really does have a sense of humor cause i was like "Okay! i get it! Its coming in loud an clear! you've got my attention. I'll get off my lazy senior butt and do something!"

So there i have it then. Trust. Just trust. you know, like its just that simple. But, maybe it is.

I really feel pulled towards art school. I really do. As to my feelings of inadiquacy..... Trust. Cause God... He's a big God. If he wants me there. He'll get me there... all i have to do is Trust. If he doesnt want me there, Well, i'll still have to trust and grit my teeth and hold on tight.

Now, this of course is the musings of a very tired sleepless 17 year old romantic, right. You dont have to take me seriously. Dont worry, you can laugh it off, I wont be offended.

That Advil PM is starting to kick in finally...

Nigh night.

"Cold Anger?"

"Oh yes, don't you know that distinction? Tribal mothers always tell their children that there are two kinds of anger: hot and cold. Boys and girls experience both, but as they grow up the angers separate according to the sex. Boys need hot anger to survive. They need the inclination to fight, the drive to sink the knife into the flesh, the energy and initiative of fury. It's a requirement of hunting, of defense, of pride. Maybe of sex too."

Yes, I know," said Elphaba, remembering.

Sarima blushed and looked unhappy, and continued.

"And girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the sidestepping of compromise. They need to know when they say something that they will never back down, ever, ever. It's the compensation for a more limited scope in the world. Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, and you adjust and go on - or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the universe is changed, once again, for cold anger requires and eternal vigilance in all matters of slight and offence."


From Wicked by Gregory Maguire

It seems as if lately i've been frequenting the MAX station at the Lloyd Center. I find it the beginning point for many escapades and adventures into downtown Portland, simply because the MAX ride is free from there. Well, and im too cheap to pay the $2.00 fee for riding it when i have two legs that work perfectly. But, on the other hand... When the train is free... Why not?

At this station in particular there are a lot of different kinds of people. You have your token hippie, emo, and punk. As well as your prep and jock... and, to top it all off, at times you'll find a street preacher. You know, with the small speaker and microphone calling down hell, fire and brimstone down on all.

Its everything you would expect from a street preacher. Phrases such as "If you Smoke... you're going to HELL!! If you drink... you're going to HELL!! REPENT! turn from your evil ways to Jesus!!" One time, i was so lucky as to come to this stop near Halloween... and of course, there were phrases like "Halloween is EVIL!!"

The reactions of the people at the station are varied. Some people just stare and wonder whats going on. Others are taken aback. Still others get angry but the most common response i've seen is laughter. Yes, people laugh. I've found myself doing the same at times.

Every time i come to this station my own personal reaction is a little bit different than your average person's. It makes me want to cry.

Thats right, my heart breaks for each and everyone of the people standing around. My heart breaks because this is the view of Christ that they get from Christians. My heart breaks because so many people dismiss Christ because of experiences like this. My heart breaks because a god that calls down hell, fire and brimstone on sinners is not the God i serve.

The God i serve is the God of tax collectors and prostitutes, beggars and sinners. The God i serve loves you inspite of your sins and is desperately longing for a relationship with you. The God i serve is real and relevant. The God i serve didn't come to tell you you're going to hell and laugh, he came to offer you a way out.

So, Im sorry. Im sorry to all of you who have been negatively affected by Christians and the church. Im a sorry that the church is a place of hypocrites and Sunday Christians. And im sorry that Christians have such a horrible witness in society today.

"For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that world might be saved through him."
John 3:17