By | Published Thursday, May 2, 2013

One of the greatest websites ive found in awhile. Thank you Portland Monthly.



You definitely need to go check this baby out.

http://deshommesetdeschatons.tumblr.com

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By | Published Tuesday, April 23, 2013

I went to the beach last week, just to have an introvert day. My man was out of town, so it was the perfect excuse to go alone.

My favorite beach on the Oregon coast is Cape Kiwanda. A beautiful flat beach, framed on one end by a massive sand due, and outcropping of weathered sandstone while on the other end low lying sandy hills. I climbed said massive sand dune, and then i climbed down the other side, and i then i climbed back up, and down, and around and then i was very tired. I got some fantastic photographs, in spite of how out of shape i am. I took my film camera with me, and film photographs always end up being my favorite. I used my digital camera too, and some of the concepts that i had been struggling with in school finally came together in a brilliant "ah-ha!" moment, and landscape photography doesn't seem so difficult anymore. Who knew hyper focal distance could be so useful?











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By | Published Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I typically dont like to use photoshop a ton. Im not in to HDR Landscapes, and crazy effects, and removing every blemish from portraits to the point where the subject is no longer human. That being said it is pretty fun to know how, just in case I ever wanted to.

This was my project in photoshop class today.


The pink one is mine. :D

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reknit.

By | Published Thursday, April 11, 2013

You're welcome.

http://www.rekn.it

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By | Published Wednesday, April 10, 2013









So im a photographer. I like to take pictures of people, and i like to watch how expressions change from instant to instant. I love catchlights in the eyes. I love the transformation from awkwardness in front of the camera at the beginning of a shoot, to letting the model work the camera, just like they want to by the end. I love light, especially natural light, and i love people.

But here's the thing. Everyone else is a photographer too (thanks instagram). Average Joe, or Jane can pick up a camera, and take gorgeous pictures (thank you auto modes).  Hell, average Joe or Jane can pick up a phone and take a gorgeous picture.

Im consistently asking myself, what makes me different? What makes me better than instagram filters, and auto modes on digital SLR cameras? What makes me stand out from the crowd? Its a problem, im sure every artist struggles with. Artistic identity. As if i don't have enough identity struggles as it is, now im faced with an artistic identity. Is artistic identity separate from from lack of a better term regular identity? Are artistic identity, and regular identity, and spiritual identity separate as well, or is there some sort of perfect internal nirvana where they are all one?

I guess one cannot truly separate the spiritual identity and all other forms of identity, but being involved in the artistic community that i am, its so hard to explain that my artistic voice is inexplicably intertwined with my faith. My desire to show things that seem normal, or mundane in a light that shows the absolute glory in them, comes from the true Artist, who created something from nothing and made it beautiful. Its my faith that drives me, a sense of gratitude to the Maker for taking something as ugly as I, and reshaping me to be beautiful in his sight. What a God.

I was asked this week to think about my artistic identity, and write an artist statement and an "elevator speech" meaning, what i would say to someone if we were in the elevator together, and i had 20 second to tell them what i do. I was surprised, when my overwhelming feeling when asked to think about those ideas, was to pray about it, and ask the question "Maker, who am i as an artist? who do you want me to be as an artist?" and to pour out to him my artistic insecurities and identity issues. Can he use me as an artist? What is my voice? and how does that voice speak to his goodness?

I also get the feeling that this is a question to which there is no answer, at least not any time soon. Its a little frustrating, however, to know that I'm going to struggle with this for a long time.

Oh, and by the way, I went to the tulip farms on monday. I like photographing people more than flowers, but tulips happen to be an exception.





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Spring, and a baby

By | Published Monday, April 1, 2013

Normally im not a big person to take a lot of pictures of flowers. However, we've had a particularly warm week this week in portland, and the flowers are out like aint no one stoppin them. Im trying to remind myself, that its only the first day of april, and the weather is playing a mean april fool's joke on us because its going to get cold again. We pretty much still have 3 more months of winter before it gets warm enough to not wear leggings under my jeans. I did however enjoy the two days where the thermometer hit 75 degrees, and i actually had to shave.

Also, i have the cutest nephew known to man.


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By | Published Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Brokenness.

The word i would use if i were to choose a theme for this Christmas.

The last two days have made me acutely aware of the brokenness around me. People who are standing in the ashes of lives that they though were so sturdy. People who lost children, and family members in senseless shootings. Those who think they have it all together but need you so badly. Those who have been to war and came back a different person.

My heart is heavy this Christmas season. My lack of faith in humanity leads me straight to the throne of Christ in tears, and as he holds me he says to me, as he so often does when i mourn "I never intended for it to be this way. This was not my plan. Mourn, and feel the depths of suffering in this situation, and more than that mourn that this isn't how its supposed to be, mourn the garden, mourn the curse, but take heart because one day i will make it all new."

For some reason, its always reassuring. If i think i hate the situation, God hates it more. He never wanted it either.

Enter Jesus. Born in a barn, sent to save the world in a totally unorthodox manner. For "Long lay the world, in sin and error pining till he appeared and the soul felt its worth." for me its "A Thrill of hope, a weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn." Never have those words been so poignant as this year.

I have a different perspective on christmas this year. Its a sense of relief. I stand and look at the brokenness around me and i am so relieved that Jesus was born, and have such a sense of thankfulness like never before. Im not just totally shit out of luck on this whole sin thing, and nether is anyone else. Im so relieved. Thank you so much, Jesus.

Out of the depths of sorrow comes a deep sense of joy that the savior was born. A juxtaposition that i will never understand, but am eternally grateful for.

O Holy Night
The Lights are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world
in sin and error pining
til you appeared
and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope,
a weary world rejoices
for yonder breaks
a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees

O hear the angel's voices

O night Divine

O night when Christ was born




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Mind: Blown

By | Published Monday, November 19, 2012

Thats how i've felt for the least 2.5 months since i started school. Im not taking particularly intellectual classes. Im in photography classes, how is that intellectual? Its not really, but there is something about walking down the halls of learning (does that metaphor apply when you go to community college?) that makes you think more.

For the last year, its been work work work. My job is fine. I've had jobs I've hated more, thats for sure, and looking back it hasn't been bad. We have needed the last two years to get up on our feet and have a go at this whole adult thing. Now here we are. Living in a gorgeous little house, we both have really good jobs, and things are going well. You could say we've 'nested.' The thing about working all the time however, is that once you get good at your job, you dont think about it anymore. You dont have to think about it anymore, you stop learning and it just becomes a job. Its easy to just stop learning, to stop pushing yourself when you're not in an environment where you have to.

School is that environment. Especially in a field as competitive as photography. Now, its learn learn learn, grow, grow, grow. Muscles that havent been used in a long time are stretching and hurting and sore, but the good kind of sore. The kind of sore that whenever you feel the muscles hurting you think "Yeah, i totally climbed a 4 at the bouldering gym yesterday, im awesome."In the last 8 weeks of school ive seen my photography improve in leaps and bounds. Im finally in my element im finally where i want to be.

Now, its time to fly. Ive always been firm on the idea that just because i got married young doesn't mean my life is over. It feels as if the last two years have been all working towards this season. Brian finishing school, me getting a job where i work with people (what!?) and kicking ass at said job (WHAT!?) and gaining so much confidence in myself that headed in to this first term at school, i never once doubted whether or not i would make it back for winter term. Im not gonna lie, im totally that kid. Being at the top of the class is a pretty great feeling. My life isnt over. I can DO what i love and BE with the person i love. A huge shout out to Brian on this one. Without him i would never have gotten here. His support and firm belief that i should do what i love has been the wind at my back.

I had a moment the first week of school, where i thought "Okay, this is it. Its really time to go big or go home. You're here. Its time to dive it head first to this whole photography thing or get out now." What a strange thought for someone who has a super hard time going "All in" about anything (Thanks, Dad). So i did. All in for me means not just coasting. It means getting A's in school. I can pretty much do nothing and get a B, for me putting in the extra work to get an A is going all in. Its never skipping a class just for the hell of it. Its really putting my heart and soul into my projects. Its asking my instructors for more feedback because all i ever get is "Good Job." (Like i said, im totally that kid).

Its struggling with things and thinking through things its making connections with other photographers in my class its putting myself out there, its showing my art to other people, opening myself up to critique. Its stretching. Its wonderful.

So here's to photography, to thought, to friends with degrees in philosophy and rhetoric, to friends with quirky styles, to husbands who support no matter what, and to finally being where i want to be.

And above all, praise the Lord, for his immeasurable blessing in my life. I pray that as i navigate a beautiful secular world that my life will reflect his.





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Coffee

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It may seem silly to have photos of coffee for this project but to be honest, coffee is pretty sentimental to me. 

When i was a kid, i used to wake up saturday mornings to the sound of my dad grinding coffee, and shortly thereafter the smell of his french press would waft into my room. He taught me how to make a french press at age 10. Needless to say, i started drinking coffee pretty early on. 

The First photo in this project is of the jar of coffee beans i have at home. My husband and i are self proclaimed coffee snobs, so this isn't your average bean. These beans are from a local direct trade coffee roasting company called Stumptown. The coffee comes from Columbia, in South America from a farm called Montes De Oro, where Stumptown pays the farmer directly for the beans, thereby insuring that the farmer is paid fairly. Stumptown also has a contract with their farmers that a portion of the proceeds from the coffee that is bought goes back into the farm to make it  a better working environment, and Stumptown also makes sure that the workers are begin paid fairly. 

If there was a way to communicate the smell of ground coffee in a photo, i would. However, the second photo will just have to do. This photo takes me back to my time when i worked as a barista. I've worked at a couple different places, and the smell of coffee grounds is pretty wonderful. Pulling shots on a manual espresso machine reminds me in a lot of ways of photography. Using an manual espresso machine is like using a dark room to process photos, its a craft and there are so many variables. 

Photo three is a self portrait of pretty much my morning routine. Two things i love: Coffee and Natural light. If i can sit in front of a window with natural light around me drinking coffee I'm a happy girl. Coffee relaxes me, which is interesting because its considered a stimulant. The grain was added to the photo, i feel like it adds to the feeling of just waking up and drinking a cup of coffee. 


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By | Published Sunday, September 25, 2011

I had the privilege of shooting this lovely family back in august. They were kind enough to let me live with them for a summer a few years back, so it was super super fun to see the kids and hang out with them again. I can truly say i've never seen a more beautiful family.










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Back to the Heart of Worship?

By | Published Thursday, June 23, 2011

Let me just start this off by saying that i love worship. Its always my favorite part of services at church, that being said, some of the Christian music out these days is awful.

I spent a good majority of yesterday listening to christian music on Pandora and im pretty sure every other song was by Chris Tomlin. Im pretty sure he wrote and repeated about 10 lines about 6 times in the course of 3 minutes. I was about ready to pull my hair out. Thankfully, one can 'dislike' Chris Tomlin on Pandora and it will never play one of his songs again. Not so with the christian stations in the area. As my dad put it one time after listening to the radio at work all day: "I feel like the played the same five songs over and over by different people!"

Aside from the repetitiveness of the music stations and the songs themselves, i think its a bit of a shame that the silly choruses that are playing have no real spiritual value to them (in my opinion). Its almost as if they're meant to illicit and emotional, 'spiritual' experience of 'worship'. Maybe we need to reexamine what 'worship' really means.

Brian one time said something to the effect of "I think that people learn a lot of their theology from the songs that they sing at church and those on the radio, but they dont have any 'meat' in them"

I think that is so true. How did we all learn the alphabet? A song. how did we memorize verses growing up? songs. Heck, some of us even learned how to clean our rooms from a song. If the most basic skills in life are learned through song, shouldn't it then follow that the basics of the christian life are learned largely through song? Whether we mean for them to or not. If most of us are honest, we learn more from the songs we sing at church than from what the pastor says, or even what we read in the bible. We commit to memory songs much more easily that scripture itself.

Songs teach, whether we like it or not.


For this reason i love old Hymns. Many (not all)  of them have such good Theology in them. Be Thou My Vision, It Is Well, Amazing Grace, Rock of Ages... even the more modern hymns like In Christ Alone. They have such beautiful Theology in them. 


I just feel as if christian song writers should take a little more care in what they're writing and releasing to their fans. I know that for a lot of artists their songs are "expressions of the self" and of their own relationship with God but in a lot of ways they're teaching the Christian masses what a relationship with Christ looks like, and it seems to me that what they're teaching is that relationship with Christ is an emotional experience. Chris Tomlin, MercyMe, and all those hugely popular christian artists are the Pastors of the modern Christian and its as if they're preaching that God is Holy and "He thought of me, above all" over and over and over and over and over and over...

Granted, im coming from a place where the rawness of the gospel excites me and the gravity of Christ's sacrifice isnt something to write a little chorus about. But i truly believe that sometimes we're listening to someones "self expression" as if it were how everyone should feel about God. Im fine if someone wants to express them self but maybe they should express them self with a little more depth, as harsh as that sounds.

PS. Apologies to anyone who's favorite artist is Christ Tomlin, he's the just the easiest to make fun of ;)










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By | Published Thursday, April 28, 2011

This is Kaleb and Elisabeth.

I drove up to Trout Lake, WA for this shoot. Its where they met, and coincidentally where my husband and i also met. It was a little nostalgic for everyone. It was a fun shoot. They're a great couple. Im super stoked to shoot their wedding in November, this is just the beginning!









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By | Published Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Im not dead. at least not physically. Although, in the recent months since the wedding i've felt particularly brain dead, maybe because the wedding just took it out of me, maybe because i work a somewhat mindless job, and its almost as if my brain never turns on in the morning. Whatever the case, the thoughts and insights and epiphanies are making a come back, and with them my photography muse. Here's what i've been up to:


I had the opportunity to shoot Hannah Augee and Mike Wilson's engagement shots, twice actually. Hannah is a good friend of mine and i wanted something to do, so here's what emerged. They were great to shoot. And Mike always had a particularly good attitude about the kissing shots.


These three shots are from the first shoot. Unfortunately, that was before i got my new Canon EOS 50D, and was still shooting with an Digital Rebel XTi with a broken focusing mechanism. They're beautiful photographs taken on my parents property, but they're a little blurry. which frustrates me. Thank you Jesus for a new and better camera!








These next ones are from the second shoot. Taken at Mt Talbert.










There is more coming up, i've been fairly active lately. so stay tuned...



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valentines day

By | Published Friday, February 18, 2011


I love Valentine’s Day. There, I’ve admitted it.

Maybe I should rephrase that: I love the spirit of Valentine’s Day. 

Growing up, every year before Valentine’s Day we made mail boxes in which to receive the many valentines that we expected from our friends. Ashley Wilson (now Foster) one year made a mail box in the shape of a Cat. I was so jealous; I thought I would never be as creative as that. I've learned since, that I’m just not as meticulous as that ;) 

Along with the mail boxes, sometimes I’d go over to Lisa Wilson's house for the Valentine’s Day tea' that Lynn Wilson would put on. Well all got to bring our favorite stuffed animal, it was a lot of fun. 

I also love flowers, and I love chocolate.

My daddy (who was my valentine before I had a boyfriend) would usually get me a card and chocolate. Not that Valentine’s Day was the only day he would smother us girls with affection, my father is incredibly good at confirming to me even still that I am precious to him.

However...

Brian does not like Valentine’s Day. 

We've celebrated it a couple times, under the ruse that it fell dangerously close to our six months of dating mark, and I finally explained to him last year that we need to at least be together on Valentine’s Day, or I get made fun of by anyone who finds out that we're not hanging out.

But let me interrupt myself here to clarify something:

Brian doesn’t hate Valentine’s Day because he doesn’t like being romantic. Brian is very romantic, he has planned and executed enough incredible dates and spontaneous kisses in the rain to make ANY girl weak at the knees, I just happen to be the lucky girl that he fell in love with and  towards whom he gets to aim all of his romance. No, Brian doesn’t hate it because he doesn’t know what to do, he hates it because he's expected to be romantic on that day (not by me, mind you).

Admittedly, there is a significant pressure for men to perform on that day of the year. Most women expect something from their "valentine" on February 14th. Chocolates... roses... wine... dates...jewelry... whatever the thing is. Any man caught at home without flowers is dead meat. 

And, I guess if I’m honest, THAT part of Valentine’s Day I’m not really super stoked about. Truthfully, spontaneous flowers are WAY better than valentines flowers (and way cheaper too).

I like valentine’s day because it is actually pretty fun to create handmade valentines for the people I love, and exchange candy in cat shaped mail boxes, and go to valentines teas with my favorite stuffed animal in tow, and spend time with the man I love, and think about the past 4 years of being with him and reminisce on our love, and how much I love him now. I don’t think there's anything wrong with a holiday dedicated to the celebration of love.

So, how does a girl who loves Valentine’s Day get along with a man who doesnt... on February 14th?

Well the first couple years of being with Brian, I was a little shocked that he didn’t do anything for me for Valentine’s Day, not even a card. And to make matters worse, after we started dating, my dad bowed out as my valentine... 

So I pouted a little bit. Sometimes it’s a little sad not to feel any love on Valentine’s Day! (Especially the heart shaped sweet kind).

These last two years have been different though... I began to figure it out last year... if I wanted to do something for Valentine’s Day, than it was up to me to do something! So I did. Last year, Brian and I ate dinner in the dorms at Multnomah and watched Braveheart for Valentine’s Day. Well, Brian watched Braveheart... I spent a good majority of the movie with my head in his shoulder because I’m the sensitive type I guess... not to mention that the emotional switch between love scenes and battle scenes in that movie is a tough one... 

This year I took it a little further. :D

We didn’t have any plans for Valentine’s Day. I wasn’t expecting anything from Brian, but I was still a little sad that we weren’t doing ANYTHING. My boss at work had been talking for weeks about how she was going to surprise her husband with a return trip to Las Vegas for Valentine’s Day and that got me thinking... 

Valentine’s Day isn’t about what men do for women, it’s about love. And I love my husband, and I love Valentine ’s Day, so if I want to show him that in celebration of this day, than I’m gonna, by golly!

So I started scheming. I cut up a bunch of red pieces of paper, and wrote clues on them, and put them in envelopes and made a sort of scavenger hunt for him. When he came home, there was an envelope with his name on it (complete with a heart over the 'I') taped to the front door, and where to find the next clue which eventually led him to me... we went and got Burritos and dessert (because we're poor and because burritos are Brian’s favorite food) and just spend the evening together. It was fun to go on a date, and it was even MORE fun that he didn’t see it coming; the whole plan went off without a hitch. :D

I guess my perspective on Valentine’s Day has changed this year. It’s not about me; it’s not about flowers and candy. It’s about love. And the loving thing to do toward Brian is to not expect anything of him on February 14th. 

So Brian, when you read this, I want you to know that you don’t ever have to do anything for me on Valentine’s Day (other than hang out with me, so I don’t get made fun of). I’m okay with you loving me daily, and romancing me whenever YOU want to. But you should also know, that I LOVE Valentine’s Day, so I might buy YOU flowers sometime...

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Into the wild

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This is an interesting blog that i never posted back in May, when i first got to Alaska... I remember that it didnt feel complete then...  


Maybe it isnt, maybe this  is a thought i should pursue further... 


Currently, Im sitting in a coffee shop in Anchorage, Alaska. Out of the large front windows of Kaladi Brothers (a locally owned, and local favorite coffee shop) there is a spectacular view of the Chugach Mountains, one of three mountain ranges that surround Anchorage.

Last week, i was in Denali National Park. This particular park is home of Mt. Mckinley as it is known in the lower 48, or Denali as Alaskans call it. Denali, being Athabaskan name for the largest peak in America, and arguably the highest peak in the world (it depends on where you're measuring from, from what i understand) Only about 30% of people who visit Alaska even get to see the peak of this mountain, its so large that it literally creates its own weather. My first week here in Alaska, i was able to see Denali from base to tip, and got some sick pictures of the illusive mountain.

Since i've been back in Anchorage after my whirlwind trip across Alaska for a familiarization trip, i been reading Into the Wild, by Jon Krakauer, the story of a young guy named Chris McCandess who in essence peaced out of modern life and became homeless and traveled across the country in search of what i perceive to be reality at its realest. He spent most of him time alone, and in the wilderness learning to survive on next to nothing and relishing in every near death experience and new adventure.

More than just talking about McCandess, the book retells the story of a few other guys who did the same sort of thing. Just taking off in to the wilderness to experience "rawness."

What is interesting to me, is that part of myself resonates with the story. The desire for adventure, to just leave everything i know and love (and dont love) behind and go experience the the raw reality of the wilderness at its harshest. I would never do it of course, because well, i really dont love backpacking that much, and the thought of being hungry for days doesnt really sound like my cup of tea. Its a great idea though, very romantic, to be sure.

More than resonating with the sentiments seem to be expressed in the book, i also am beginning to think that the desperation with which McCandess wandered the country looking for wilderness and rawness and beauty really, was so very futile.

What he didnt understand, i think, was that behind the raw, real beauty of the wilderness, is the raw real beauty of the Creator of that wilderness. Im beginning to think that the call on our souls (or maybe its just mine) for raw reality cannot be quenched by creation, creation only intensifies the longing for more.This could be why McCandess was always wandering, always searching for more wilderness.


One thing i do admire about McCandess, though is his intense drive. he really wanted whatever it was that he was after. If it was just a desire for reality at its realist, then he sought it with an unparalleled intensity.

In spite of his intensity, he died on his idea of the ultimate adventure He ventured into the Alaskan bush close to Denali National Park, unexperienced, unprepared, and totally alone.

McCandess' story made me think though...

Maybe the call of Christ is a call into the wilderness. Like John the Baptist... i mean, the dude ate bugs right? Maybe we as Christians are being called to peace out of everything that's comfortable and take off with nothing but our faith and our Jesus into the vast untamed, raw wilderness that is relationship with Christ.

Thats what i want.

I feel like most of the time God is shrouded in clouds. I cant always see him, i cant always see the peak of the mountain i seem to be ascending. Just like with Denali.

But the thing is, sometimes i do see the peak. Sometimes the clouds clear. Just a for a few minutes. Its those times, when im drawn again, into the wild. Into His wild. The wild, raw, untamed ascent up Mount Zion.

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By | Published Sunday, March 21, 2010

Head knowledge ≠ Relationship.


A realization i came to recently. Seems pretty obvious right? 
Mmm, not for good church kids who knew all the answers. That was me. I smile as i think about it. i won a beanie baby for bringing the most offering, or something like that (it probably totaled not more than a dollar). I won a trip to see the Prince of Egypt for reading Exodus 1-15. Im laughing out loud now.
Whats not as funny, is that then and throughout most of my life my relationship (or lack thereof) with Christ has been largely based on what i knew.  How much i knew about predestination vs free will, what i thought about women in ministry and the like. Not that those things arent important, but that those things are less important than many 'good christians' like me realize. 
A study in Psalms is what brought about this realization. Im really enjoying it. I always read psalms when i dont know what else to read, or when im too lazy to read anything meaty. They're easy reading and just nice happy short chapters. You know, the kind that you dont really have to invest in. I think what this study has brought to light, is the fact that the psalms arent what i thought they were. 


The psalms are an outpouring of emotion, simply put. I think that the psalms were, when written, emotional vomit on the paper. How incredible! What i love, is that the writer doesnt hold anything back, using phrases like "Woe is me!" and then one psalm later singing praises to the Glory of God and thanking him. This most definitely makes James 3:10 hit home. So how come these seemingly conflicting things ended up in the pages of scripture? Shoot, i dunno. 


Maybe God values relationship, and maybe just like in earthly relationships a relationship with Christ is built upon honesty and communication. Maybe honesty and communication include telling God straight up when you're mad at him. Telling God straight up that you dont think he's doing the right thing. Being brutally honest, ive told God before that if He really knew what i was going through, it wouldnt have been that way. Ive questioned just about every attribute of God that i know to be true when im at my darkest. Wrong of me? Maybe, but he knew my thoughts even if i didnt verbalize them to him. I might as well verbalize what he already knows, even if its just for my own sake. Sometime hearing myself say things is cathartic, just like talking to your best friend about your problems makes you feel better, or even telling someone how they hurt you opens the door for healing. 


I guess the moral of the story is that when im at my darkest, my head knowledge - the stuff i 'know' about God - does nothing to help me. In fact, i question what i know to be true at those times. what helps me at my darkest, is a relationship with my creator. Can one even fathom how crazy that is? a relationship with our creator and not one where he just puts up with us, one where he cares about us and our little feelings... wow. 


I've started writing psalms. I never thought i was any good at writing poetry or songs, but for some reason, psalm writing comes easy to me, and i think its because its an upwelling of raw emotion. Raw emotion doesnt need to rhyme, it doesnt even really need to make sense to anyone but me and God. And so i build a better relationship with God one psalm at at time. I tell him what im feeling even when i think i shouldnt be feeling that way. I've also stopped reading inspirational Christian books and thinking about theological matters for the time being. Theology is nothing in comparison to relationship. where theology keeps me on the straight and narrow, relationship carries me. I need to spend significantly more of my time building my relationship with Christ.  

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By | Published Friday, February 12, 2010


No one every says what they really think.
Its a relentless dance around people’s feelings and social expectations.
Maybe thats what J.D. Salinger got right when he wrote catcher in the Rye. Maybe what we all relate to in that book is the fact that we all sense the”phony-ness” of everyone around us, and even more discustingly the phony-ness in ourselves.
Maybe thats what Sylvia Plath got right in The Bell Jar. She sensed it too. No amount of glam fills the emptyness. No amount of dresses and sex will ever make it go away.
Even Solomon, before society as we know it even existed, when he wrote Ecclesiastes, knew this:
Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher,
vanity of vanities! all is vanity
what does man gain by all the toil
at which he toils under the sun?
A generation goes, a generation comes,
but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises, and the sun goes down
and hastens to the place where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
and goes around to the north
around and around goes the wind
and on its circuits the wind returns
All streams run to the sea,
but the sea is not full;
to the place where streams flow
there they will flow again
All things are full of wearyness
a man cannot utter it;
the eye is not satisfied with seeing
nor the ear filled with hearing
what has will be,
and what has been done is what will be done
and there is nothing new under the sun
Is there a thing of which it is said
“see, this is new!”?
It has been already
in ages before us
There is no remembrance of former things
nor will there be any remembrance
of later things yet to be
among those who come after.
Nothing seems real. Its all fake, is all a web of ulterior motives and unspoken thoughts and feelings.
Lord, save us from ourselves and our vanity.
Only out of true depravity comes true faith

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binoculars

By | Published Sunday, February 7, 2010


Sometimes i think people live life as if they were looking through a pair of binoculars.
It seems to me, that through the eyes of our own consciousness (our own minds ideas, upbringing, emotional state etc…) everything is magnified. We look through our lenses and see life and the world as something much bigger than it probably should be, especially if the particular thing has to do with ourselves.
Sometimes, when i dont expect it, the binoculars get pulled away from my eyes. The world is so much bigger than i think it is. There are other people around me looking at the same situation with a completely different thought process and most definitely a different solution or outcome. Sometimes it still amazes me that other people think differently than i do, not because i think they’re wrong or that they should think like me, but because i cant fathom any other way of thinking, because again, i live my life through the lenses of my own consciousness.
And so does everyone else.
And they’re all looking at the world through their own pair of binoculars.
rather abstract, i apologize.

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By | Published Sunday, January 31, 2010

Could we with ink the oceans fill
and were the sky of parchment made
were every stalk on earth a quill
and every man a scribe by trade

to write the love of God above
would drain the oceans dry
nor could the scroll contain the whole
though stretched from sky to sky.

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By | Published Saturday, January 30, 2010

beauty

vanity

steadfast

pure

holy

bouncing around my head like tennis balls.

an epiphany is coming, but its painful as the electricity surges through the wires before the light is fully turned on.

there are no words

its beautiful and horrible.

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